3 simple rituals that will make you a fantastic parent

3 simple rituals that will make you a fantastic parent3 simple rituals that will make you a fantastic parentYou know how it goes. You want this little person to do the thing and they wont do the thing and somehow zero-point-two-seconds later youre in the midst of a tear-filled screaming match in the hair care aisle at CVS.You start thinking about how your real kid may have been switched at birth for this pint-sized tyrant who seems bent on reenacting The Omen in public. And teenagers make you want to skip right past negotiating and just call an exorcist.Yes, you love them, but kids can drive you crazy.Or maybe were just working off a completely boneheaded paradigm when we deal with our children. I will now attempt to illustrate this point with a seemingly absurd scenarioIm with my fictional friend Hans. Hans only speaks German.Me Speak English.Hans (something in German)Me ENGLISHHans (something in German)Me Stop defying my will, HansHans (shouts in German)And on it goes. Whos the idi ot zu siche? Me. Why? Im acting like hes willfully resisting me when the reality is that he simply doesnt have the skills required to comply. No amount of me shouting, threatening or pleading is going to suddenly teach him to speak abedrngnisher language.If I asked you Do kids have the abilities and self-control of adults? you would laugh and say, Of course elend. But we often treat kids - especially during heated moments - like they have the abilities and self-control of adults. Does not compute.This doesnt mean we just let them do whatever they want. But it does mean we need to think a little less of parenting as being a prison warden and mora like its aboutteaching.Yeah, sounds nice but easier said than done, right?Well, let me up the ante even moreWhat if you could exert disciplineandteach your kids better behavioranddevelop a stronger bond with them, all at the same time? Sound good? But how the heck do you do that?Frankly, I have no idea. But luckily, Ross Greene doesHe was on the faculty at Harvard Medical School for over 20 years. Greene designed a system that has not only been validated by research but has also been successfully used for decades in families, schools, juvenile detention facilities and inpatient psychiatric units.His book isThe Explosive Child.Lets get to itmilitrischer abschirmdienst SkillzFor sake of argument,Im going to assume your child is not pure evil, malevolently bent on resisting your wishes and focused on spoiling your dreams. Its a stretch, but indulge me.Start with the assumption that your kid is lackingskills, not thedesireto comply. Work from the idea that kids do well if they are able to. If someone does not have the skills to deal with frustration and rationally problem-solve at a particular moment, they simply cannot do the right thing, no matter how much you shout or threaten.How rational are you when youre all worked up? Exactly. And taking away HansXbox will not teach him another language.FromThe Explosive ChildI e ncourage you to put aside the conventional wisdom and strategies and consider the alternate view that your child is already very motivated to do well and that his challenging episodes reflect a developmental delay in the skills of flexibility, frustration tolerance, and problem solving. The reason reward and punishment strategies havent helped is because they wont teach your child the skills hes lacking or solve the problems that are contributing to challenging episodes. Indeed, youve probably noticed that punishment actually adds fuel to the fire, and that your child only becomes more frustrated when he doesnt receive an anticipated reward. Your energy can be devoted far more productively to collaborating with your child on solutions to the problems that are causing challenging episodes than in sticking with strategies that may actually have made things worse and havent led to durable improvement You and your child are going to be allies, not adversaries. Partners, not enemies.What evidence do you already have for this? That your kid doesnt misbehave 24-7. Ill bet the majority of the problems you have arent random. Maybe getting them to do their homework consistently produces a meltdown. Or bedtime is always a battle of epic proportions. There are a handful of situations that are disproportionately responsible for the conflict you two experience.He has difficulty with doing chores. She has difficulty with getting up for school. Thats something we can address. Parents often shout You do this every time but rarely stop to think there might be a realreasonit happens so consistently at that particular time. Theres what Greene calls an unsolved problem.But instead of thinking about the skill thats lacking, we just focus on the bad behavior.If we aim to discover and solve the underlying problem, the behavior goes away on its own.You want him to stop hitting his sister when he gets frustrated. Do you really think for a second his thought process is,I just love punch ing my sister. Its one of my favorite hobbies. Of course not. Its more like, Im frustrated and dont know how to handle my emotions.If you just enforce a strict ban on sister-punching, its not going to teach him to handle dorfanger any more than me shouting is going to teach Hans a second language. Sister-punching is just going to morph into some new anger-induced bad behavior, leaving you to assume the kid has a lot more problems than he really does. The unaddressed anger issues just create a game of Bad Behavior Whac-A-Mole that you will never, ever win.Help them identify the unsolved problem, teach them the lagging skill, and the awful behavior gets replaced by something that will make them a more effective human - and stop you from going prematurely gray.(To learn more about how you and your children can lead a successful life, check out my bestselling bookhere.)Sounds good, but theres a very common resistance to this logic that we need to addressButImThe ParentMany parents will respond that the kid should just obey. Theyre the child Im the adult To this I have a very simple replySo hows that working out for you?(Dont bother to reply. I know the answer - because youre still reading this.)The kid should just obey is the old paradigm. Parenting from when TVs werent flat and telephones were all attached to a wall. And maybe it forced short-term compliance but it didnt teach Hans another language and so sister-punching just turned into some other bad behavior. And now that kid is an adult and hes probably breaking into my car right now.The irony of merely imposing your will on a child is that the kids least likely to be able to comply with this method are the ones fruchtwein likely to receive it. Kid has trouble with emotional control, so we shout and threaten, this causes further emotional overwhelm which the kid doesnt have the ability to handle, and its a downward spiral until your living room is a reality show.Most times when you see conflict escalate its because of that logic - that its a contest of wills, not skills.If a child is upset, threats just make it worse, and if a kid is not upset, threats are an excellent way to get them upset. You have the skills to control your behavior, they dont.Greenesums it up nicelyHeres a simple math equation that might suffice. Inflexibility + Inflexibility = Meltdown.Nobodys saying you have to cave and give in. But its not weak to ask questions. To assume that maybe there is a legitimate reason theyre struggling, and that its something you can help them get better at. Being immediately dismissive of someones feelings is rarely a good idea.Do you want your child to be an adult who just mindlessly obeys? No. We want them to have better self-control, better problem-solving skills, to consider the feelings of others and to negotiate.FromThe Explosive ChildIf a kid is putting his concerns on the table, taking yours into account, and working collaboratively toward a solution that works for both of yo u- and if therefore the frequency and intensity of challenging episodes are being reduced- then hes most assuredly being held accountable and taking responsibility for his actions.Were forgetting that parents dont just need to be enforcers - they need to be teachers. Many will say, He just wants attention or She just wants her own way. Heres the thing those two sentences are true of every human on this planet. Your kid is just going about it all wrong. They need to learn the skills to do it better.Without them, theyre not learning a lesson about emotional control or frustration tolerance, theyre learning that whoever has more power can unilaterally make the rules. Congrats, youre raising a bully. Start saving bail money and tell him to stop breaking into my car.People with MDs dont rob banks and they dont buy lottery tickets. They have the skills to make a lot of money in a better way. If your kid knew a better way to get what they want, theyd do that.(To learn how to deal with out -of-control kids - from hostage negotiators - clickhere.)Alright, lots of talk about teaching skills and problem-solving but how do we actuallydothat?CollaborationOkay, so we are no longer responding to child tantrums with the words RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. Time for Hans and I to both take some Berlitz classes.The best time to start a good regimen of diet and exercise isnt after your quadruple bypass its 20 years before your heart attack. And the best time to use this system isnt when someone four-feet tall is screaming bloody murder inthe vegetable aisle of the supermarket, its when things are calm at home. It can work in the midst of an argument, but itll be more effective and less stressful if youre proactive.There are three steps here and Greene has a Magic Formula for each. This should make things a lot easier for you to execute and, more importantly, should drastically reduce the amount of email I get saying, But I dont know what youre telling me to do, Eric.Step 1 EmpathyLets say that getting them to do homework is always a struggle. But youre smart, you didnt wait until the next homework deathmatch to have this conversation. Youre being proactive. Time to address the problem before its a nightmare.FromThe Explosive ChildThe Empathy step involves gathering information from your child to understand his concern or perspective about a given unsolved problem.So whats the Magic Formula for the Empathy step?Ive noticed that + (problem) + Whats up?So youd say, Ive noticed weve been having some difficulty when its time to do your homework. Whats up?Be calm and gentle. This isnt an argument or an interrogation. That said, we do need an answer. And most kids will respond with the dreaded, I dont know or silence. Thats okay.Frankly, the kid probably doesnt know. They probably havent thought that much about it. Children arent known for quiet reflection, pondering the difficulties of life while lounging in a smoking jacket with a snifter of brandy. Heck, you dont kno w why you do half the things you do either. Its okay.Be patient. Ask questions. Encourage them to talk. Get them to clarify. And try to find out why this problem occurs at homework time and not during other moments.Beyond that, the important thing to do isshut your big adult mouth. Do not rush to give your side of things or to solve the problem for them.Some parents will say,But I do listen Why are we still dealing with this issue over and over? If you already have a solution in mind and are just listening until its your turn and then tell them what you were going to tell them anyway, youre wasting your time. Their issues wont be addressed and the solution wont last and youll be doing this whole thing again in a few days. I call it Sisyphean Parenting. By the way, it doesnt work.Patience. Gently ask questions. Dont judge.Step 2 Define The ProblemOkay,they told you their side. And knowing how kids are, they probably didnt think too much about how that affects anyone other than themse lves andthats why theyre in trouble. But thats okay. Theyre a kid. If they had the skills, they would.Again, dont jump to solutions just yet. We need to teach them those skills being considerate of others, problem-solving, etc. And that means we collaborate, not dictate.The Defining the problem step is when your needs enter into the equation. Magic Formula?The thing is + (communicate your concerns about the problem)Calm and gentle. Avoid the word you because unless its followed by are wonderful its going to sound like an accusation. Stick to the word I and talk about your feelings.This teaches them to think about other peoples perspectives.Do both of you understand where the other is coming from? Can you both summarize the others position to their satisfaction? Awesome. Lets build some more skills.Step 3 The InvitationNow its time for solutions. And, no, you still dont get to suggest one. Sorry.Magic Formula?I wonder if theres a way we can + (address kids concern) + but that still m akes sure to + (address your concern) +Do you have any ideas?This teaches them to take other peoples feelings into consideration when problem-solving - which is a much better lesson than blind obedience to unilateral demands.Giving them first crack at suggesting the solution doesnt just improve their empathy and problem-solving muscles, it also lets them know youre interested in their ideas. Its a bonding moment. It teaches them, by example, how to collaborate - as opposed to teaching them How To Be A Dictator.This is how you teach them skills that will make them a successful adult. And it doesnt involve lectures that theyll ignore.(To learn how to raise emotionally intelligent kids, clickhere.)Yeah, I know nothing is everthatsimple with kids. So how do we know if its working? And how do we course correct when it inevitably doesnt the first time around?The 2 Criteria For Good SolutionsIn order to work, any solution has to include two elementsIt has to be realistic. The kid has to actually be able to follow through.It has to be mutually satisfactory.It must solve the concerns of both parties.For the record, kids are terrible at both of these. Thats understandable, these are skills to be learned. So lets start teaching - but not by lecturing.Children will offer solutions that solve their problem but not yours. So again, were gonna build those empathy muscles along with problem-solving powers. Dont say, Thats a terrible idea. There are nobadsolutions here, only ones that arent realistic or mutually satisfactory.GreenesMagic Formula for this one?Well, thats an idea, and I know that idea would address your concern, but I dont think it would address my concern. Lets see if we can come up with an idea that will work for both of us.And let them try again. Theyre learning to think about others feelings and make a plan before they behave. And when they come up with something realistic that works for both of you, youre done for now. Theyll be more likely to follow thr ough because itstheir solution.Youll know youre making progress when the kid starts following through on their plan without reminders or help. Until then, they might screw up. No problem. Ask them how you can improve the solution so its more realistic or more mutually satisfying.In fact, itsgood if you both acknowledge that the first solution may not work, but that youre both trying in good faith. Often neither of you will know if its truly realistic or mutually satisfactory until its been tried. Acknowledging that durable solutions are refined with time reduces conflict. So dont expect immediate miracles.Just the fact that you both showed empathy and listened will bring you closer together than shouting and orders. Itll make Solution 2.0 better because your kid knows youre willing to calmly listen and to give them some autonomy. You may not have immediately solved the issue, but you definitely improved the relationship. And thats what leads to many more good solutions in the future .(To learn the 10 steps to raising happy kids, clickhere.)Okay, weve covered a lot. Lets round it all up - and for those who feel that this might be too touchy-feely, that the adult world is not always so collaborative, well, were gonna address that too Sum UpHeres how to be a fantastic parentMad Skillz Its not a battle of wills, its all about skills. And if you listen, theyll learn.But Im the parent If that was working there is no way you would have read this far. Youre not that masochistic.Step 1 Empathy Ive noticed that + (problem) + Whats up?Step 2 Define the problem The thing is + (communicate your concerns about the problem)Step 3 Invitation I wonder if theres a way we can + (address kids concern) + but that still makes sure to + (address your concern) +Do you have any ideas?Realistic and Mutually Satisfying Im not sure those words describe anything Ive ever done in my life, but when their solution hits both marks, youre golden.Some might say the adult world is not always such a collaborative place. Your kid may end up in a job with a boss who unilaterally dictates orders, doesnt listen and makes threats.That is a 100% real possibility. And thatisa problemWhich is why we taught them awesome problem-solving skills, right?FromThe Explosive ChildA (dictator) boss is a problem to be solved. How does your child learn to solve problems? (With the above three steps.) Which skill set is more important for life in the real world the blind adherence to authority or identifying and articulating ones concerns, taking others concerns into account, and working toward solutions that are realistic and mutually satisfactory? If kids are completely dependent on imposition of adult will to do the right thing, then what will they do when adults arent around to impose their will?Im going to stop shouting at Hans and were both going to use Google Translate.Youre teaching your kid the skills they need to be empathetic and respectful, to problem-solve and negotiate. And in the process, youll get better at those things too.When it comes to abilities, we act like kids are our equals. But when it comes to respect, we act like theyre inferior to us.Try reversing that.Join over 330,000 readers.Get a free weekly update via emailhere.This article first appeared on Barking Up The Wrong Tree.